hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
