How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
