My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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