I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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