Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
