On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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