Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
