rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
