i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
