he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
