Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
