happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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