ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
