We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
