Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
