Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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