i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
