I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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