i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
