Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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