I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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