my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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