Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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