I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Text me some of your sweat
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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