I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
