Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
