I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My feet surprised me
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