I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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