I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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