the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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