My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
