I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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