If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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