I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
