I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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