Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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