i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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