My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
