yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
