Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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