i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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