??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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