remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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