so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize