Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
