I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
