He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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