one might say we're banned from that church
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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