oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
