Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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