I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
