I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
