Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
