I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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