he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize