i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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