I think my vagina is haunted
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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