is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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