Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
