Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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