it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
