So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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