He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
