haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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