respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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