Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
