You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
